Bitter Calculations
by Slothmonster
Summary: "If only this pain would stop.." oneshot.


A/N: Quick oneshot I did when I felt horrible, it isn't perfect or anything amazing. Just something I did to make myself feel a bit better. There are references to some issues I'm having myself, I wont say which. Originally, I didn't want to post this but was convinced by Cornflak to post it. Hope you all enjoy. Review if you want. -SM

* * *

The silence in here always gets the best of me...I can hear myself thinking, even over Rico's obnoxious snoring. Its an eerie feeling, its an uncomfortable feeling. Skipper always yells at me for keeping busy all nights of the hour. Working on things in my lab, of course, I apologize or do my best to keep quiet.

Really, its to keep myself from thinking. Thinking of what my friends portray me as, how they see my actions. I can't help doing this kind of thing, its become a ritual for me. Tonight I will finish this new formula of pill to help with illnesses.

As weeks have gone by, I could feel my body ache more and more. At first I thought it was me getting sick, which it was, for a few days. Soon it went away, leaving me with aches bad enough to keep me bed-ridden and a cough painful enough to keep me from doing simple things. The team was worried, hoping I would get better. I think they still worry, they can't see the pain that I still feel from time to time.

My back has been the worst of all, making everything twice as difficult for me. Skipper keeps me here in HQ when the team is sent to go on missions. He can tell that I've been having problems. I protest that I can do fine, which is a blatant lie.

With what spare time I'm given, I sneak out, usually to go see the lemurs. Lately I've grown a moderate friendship with Julien. He likes keeping me company, so it seems. If you were here, you'd see the big smile on my beak right now.

His carefree nature makes me want to get back up on my feet and try to do something, try to do physical things. He's tried to make me dance before, but I've told him, I just cant move like I used to. As my time with Julien grew, I began to notice how out of place I felt with my team mates. Living with a maniac, a naive student, and a very paranoid leader. I don't fit anywhere in the mix, I think too hard, I don't have any fighting skills. I'm a pacifist, if I have to fight, its out of reluctance. Not because I want to..hence why I am up so late making this drug. Got two tablets done so far.

Skipper has noticed my growing distance with the rest of them, he confronted me about it once, asking why I've been gone so often. He's the one that has made me this way, he made me stay here, locked up in HQ. He must think I'm crazy if he assumed I would sit here in the silence of this cold stoney room.

One night, I remember, he made me stay here to socialize with the team. We played a simple game of cards, nothing too big. Had food, just a good time, for the most part. All of us laughed, had a most of a good time...but I still felt that I didn't belong here. I don't belong here..but I still keep around. I guess I don't want to lose something I've worked so hard to get...to get close to another set of animals. I keep this journal around with me, and have been writing this in increments between synthesis of these pills. So I apologize for this jumping around. I haven't been interrupted tonight, yet. But then again, I planned for tonight to be quiet anyways. The guys had worked really hard today. Skipper was teaching a new set of techniques that he had learned from a passerby that stopped at the zoo. I never caught the fellows name, not that it was of any importance..

I've finished the last of the six tablets. Leaving me with ten in all. Crudely made but I hope they do what I want them to.

The taste is bitter, somewhat a mix of the cold medicine that Alice would give me, and some kind of berry that went rotten. Keeping it down was an issue, even with a glass of water. But I need to take a few more. Just to make sure that it works.

Everything is starting to blur together, writing this is starting to get difficult for me. I''ll conclude everything here.

_-Kowalski._

_

* * *

_

I wouldn't have suspected this of him...he never complained of his aches. He never told me, Rico, Private, Marlene, or even Julien. All of us were in the dark about this.

Kowalski, this action was so reckless...you could have just said something. You could have said anything, anything would have been better than, this.

Your being taken away today...Private is still up crying. Rico is still devastated as well. Everyone that could come to HQ did, there was a lot of tears shed for you. Alice didn't even bother to open up the zoo today, due to your death...

Why did you do this? Why did you have to be so selfish? We could have helped...you know we could have helped. But instead you went off and did this..

I shouldn't be angry at you...you were hurting internally, no one can help that.

….we miss you. I miss you. Your constant scribbling in your notepad, working in here on new inventions, the way you would keep up some of us throughout the night to work on said things, and now I know why you did so...I guess.

My brain is telling me to feel bad for intruding on your things, going through personal files like this. But, letting this go without reason wouldn't sit for me...you were a good ally, Kowalski, and an even better friend. Hopefully, that pain that hurt you so, is gone now...

You've left us, your gone, but not from my thoughts. I love you, Kowalski. Rest in peace.

_-Skipper._


End file.
